This part of the prelude deserves it’s own blog post, because it had such a massive impact, both emotionally and mentially in my life.
After a few months of trying the previously mentioned methods (Prelude to Pregnancy 1 of 2), and coming up with failed results month after month. I felt depressed and I started to get desperate. We even started considering IUI (artificial insemination).
I kept wavering back and forth on whether or not it was haram to do in Islam. But because I was feeling desperate, I kept telling myself “well it’s technecally not completely artificial” (please forgive me, if this comment offends you) to help console myself so that I could feel less like I was doing something wrong in the eyes of Allah SWT.
Now, you may be thinking: “there is absolutely nothing wrong with IUI or any other untraditional methods of getting pregnant”. Well the truth is, I don’t know enough about how Islam views the artificial insemination process to get pregnant. I just new that it wasn’t considered the “natural way” of getting pregnant. And so I sort of formed my own preconceived notion that there’s a possibility that IUI might not be allowed in Islam. But I wasn’t sure.
Unfortunately, there was only one OBGYN clinic in my county that performed the IUI treatment. And the public reviews of that particular clinic wasn’t even favorable. But like I said, I was feeling desperate. So I went ahead and made an appointment at that clinic for July 1st.
In the days leading up to that IUI appointment, I was in such a mental anguish by the thought that maybe going through with this treatment was a major sin. I remember pleading, begging even, everyday to Allah SWT to forgive me and Hubby for wanting to go through with this treatment. And even on behalf of the doctor who’d be performing the treatment, if by any chance that by doing so it was deemed haram in any way.
Ofcourse, if I tried to get real information from legitamte Islamic Scholars about whether or not IUI is considered Haram in Islam or not, I could have prevented all this anxiety and mental torture I was giving myself. But, I didn’t, so this is what I was going through in my head.
A couple of days before the appointment, I called up the clinic to ask if there were any procedures/rules that needed to be followed prior to that appointment. The clinician didn’t mention anything specific that we needed to follow. So the night before the appointment, we had sex in accordance to the ovulation calendar. We figured that by havung sex the night before and then doing the IUI treatment, it’ll help double the chances of getting pregnant because more semen would be in my body.
When the day of the appointment came, I was overwhelmed with such mixed emotions. I was excited with hopes that this method will finally give us the results we’ve been yearning for. But at the same time, I was anxious that it might not work, since we’ve been so unsuccessful thus far. And ofcourse, I was terrified that Allaw SWT will caste us away to Hell for going through with this procedure. All I remember doing was just relentlessly repeating to myself every dua I could possibly think of while sitting with Hubby in that clinic’s waiting room.
At some point before the doctor called me in for the treatment. Hubby had to go into a private room and put some semen into a cup, as it’s a necessary part of the procedure.
When I was called into the doctor’s office, my heart just sank. The doctor I was assigned to was incredibly rude and insensitive to this subject matter. The doctor said that she couldn’t perform the procedure with the semen Hubby provided. Infact, her exact words when describing his semen were “what is this?? It’s like spit”. Hearing that hit both Hubby and I hard. This doctor knew Hubby had low sperm count levels before scheduling this IUI appointment with us. I mean that’s one of the reasons why we’re even at this clinic to do this procedure. So I really don’t know what she was expecting.
Apparently, we weren’t suppose to have sex 48hours prior to procedure. But ofcourse, nobody told us this even after I called to specifically ask if there were any rules that we needed to follow before the appointment. My hopes were demolished. My heart was devestated. I felt completely defeated that day.
I was so discouraged from ever going back to that clinic to try again with that doctor. Especially with her insulting remark still resonating in my ear. But I was still desperate to get pregnant. I did some research and looked at some videos, and managed to convince myself that artificial insemination was doable at home. So I decided to buy an in-home insemination kit to use for the next ovulating month (August).
I’m not going to lie, but the equipment that the kit came with looked incredibly intimidating and unfamiliar. So Hubby was very skeptical and hesitant to even try it, with good reason ofcourse. I mean neither of us have seen/touched anything like this before. And I’m sure there were plenty of things that could go wrong from even trying this: bleeding, puncturing/tearing something, contamination, or causing an infection. But I wasn’t in the right mindset at that moment to care. At this point, I felt like I was grasping at straws for something, anything, to finally work. It ripped my soul everytime I had to tell Hubby that my period came month after month, after month.
And I just couldn’t see myself going through it all over agian. So yes, I was more than willing to overlook all these risks to my body, if it meant that there was even a small chance that I might get pregnant from doing it. That’s how desperate I felt.
But thankfully, that day for us to use the in-home insemination kit didn’t have to come. We found out that I was already pregnant by natural and halal means, on July 18th. Alhamdulillah.
Allah SWT did answer our prayers, Subhan’Allah.
Go to the next blog post in this series. Hours Before Taking The Pregnancy Test
Go to the previous blog post in this series: Prelude to Pregnancy (1 of 2)
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